The Stinky News
The original flag of the Minnesota Garlic Festival.
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The Current Edition and some previous ones.
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The Stinky News
the Ontic Ontology of
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
the End Times Edition [Footnote 1]
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HEADLINES:
Everything with Garlic
Save Trees with Festival-at-a-Glance
Collector's Edition Poster
Get Stinky Quicker
Beware of Scams
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EVERYTHING with GARLIC
Here is this year's comprehensive list of all the things that will have garlic in them at the festival:
oils
salt
jam
chili
rubs
wine
BBQ
momos
tzatziki
powder
atili aioli
black garlic
jerk chicken, mac
& cheese, grilled cheese,
kettle corn, cotton candy,
Indian and Korean street food,
roasted and fermented vegetables,
cheesesteak, smoothies, bloody marys,
jellies, relishes, pickles, glazes, vinegars,
19,200 bulbs in the MN Grown Garlic Building,
TWO kinds of ice cream, sauces, pasta, the
atmosphere within a two mile radius around
the fairgrounds, preserves, sauerkraut,
salsa, and posters (see below)
/ / / / / / \ \ \ \ \
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FESTIVAL at a GLANCE
Save a tree! When you get to the festival, you won't need a printed program. They will still be available, but you can show how hip you are by using this link:
https://sfa-mn.org/garlic-festival-schedule-map/
To go to the Festival-at-a-Glance page.
Everything you need to know to have a stinking good time.
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COLLECTOR'S EDITION POSTER
There's quite a buzz going on about the Garlic Festival poster this year.
See it HERE.
Folks of a certain age have called it "trippy", "far out" and "Groovy like the It's a Beautiful Day album cover". We just think it's pretty.
And you can take a print home with you!
At the Sustainable Farming Association Grand Exhibit Hall, located within the main vendor building, they will have framable 11" x 17" prints on high quality paper for $25 each.
But it's a limited run: only 100 copies printed. Get there early, and they'll hold your print for you until you're ready to leave.
Note: if you forget to pick it up, you're S.O.L.[2] – SFA staff will claim the prodigal posters for themselves.
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GET STINKY QUICKER
With the fabulously favonian forecast for the festival, we're expecting a great multitude. To reduce the time it takes to get in, we suggest:
1) Buy your tickets in advance. Then just print out the receipt or the instructions email you'll get, or, if you're as hip as we are, show it on your mobile device when you get to one of the admissions gates. They will wave you through like the star you are.
2) Pick your entrance. The main entrance is at 840 Century Ave. SW, Hutchinson. The new south entrance is unaddressed and unstreetsigned, but it's on Airport road between the fairgrounds and – you guessed it – the airport.
Both will have a skyscraping "garlic" flag where you turn, so you can't miss it. [3]
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SCAMS
There's a special level of hell set aside for people who do this stuff. There's a scam going on, mostly on Facebook, where people are selling booth space. The problems are that 1) they are not the Garlic Festival, and 2) there is no remaining booth space and hasn't been for weeks.
So, if you're considering paying "Charles Emory" or "Alexia Jason" or some other jackleg shuck-and-jive schyster for a booth to sell your garlic-scented nose blowers, you will be S.O.L.[2], and you'll be out the bucks you gave them, and there won't be room for you anyway.
If you paid anyone for a vendor booth other than "SFA" or "Sustainable Farming Association", or talked to anyone other than Tarah Huston, you've been scammed.
There may also be an admission ticket scam. If you ordered your admission tickets anywhere but HERE, they're not real.
We're all sorry this is happening, but not as sorry as the jackleg shuck-and-jive schysters will be when they get to their special level of hell. They say there's no garlic there.
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MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 10, 10am - 5pm
Mcleod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
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Footnotes:
1) It's the end of the time spent waiting for the festival to get here.
2) Surely Out of Luck.
3) There's actually a third entrance. But to get in that way, you have to volunteer.
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THE STINKY NEWS
The Epistolary Email of Quotidian Crotchets and Quiddities
of
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Summer Solstice 2024 Edition
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HEADLINES
The Get-In-Free Ploy
AI
Garlic Tidbit
Festival Food Feature
Nominations for 2024 Words that Sound Naughty But Aren't List
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The Get-In-Free Ploy
Every year about this time, Stinky News receives a press release from the Garlic Festival that reads something like,
"Want a free ticket to Garlic Fest?"
Then there are several lines about getting a free t-shirt, food, VIP parking and "hanging out with the stinkiest crew in Minnesota" before it finally gets to the punchline: Volunteer!
Cute.
We're just going to say it straight: Volunteer to help out with the festival. Our entire staff does this because they just like to, though the free admission, cool t-shirt, free food, and special parking are pretty nice perks.
Go HERE to learn more and sign up.
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AI
Our Editor in Chief, Beauregard T. Ponce de Leon III, recently received a letter to the editor saying, "If you used AI, you could lay off half your staff."
We weren't sure how AI fit into our operation, so we ran it past our staff Farm Correspondent, Ole MacDonald. Before he came to work for us, Ole MacDonald had a farm, and on his farm he had AI for breeding the cattle.
He was flummoxed how AI would help us.
Then we sent it to our Staff Veterinarian, Dr. Anne E. Mall, who holds a DVM in Animal Husbandry.
She was equally flummoxed.
Finally, we then turned it over to our ombudsman, U. Kant Printhat, who showed it to his 9 year old son, Willy Printhat, who said, "You know that AI is artificial intelligence, right?"
Oh.
So we asked Willy to ask the AI thing to write something nice about the Garlic Festival.
Here's what came back three minutes later:
Get Stinky and Have a Blast at the Minnesota Garlic Festival!
Calling all garlic lovers (and the slightly less enthusiastic)! The Minnesota Garlic Festival is back, promising a weekend of pungent fun, delicious eats, and everything garlic.
Layoffs will commence next week.
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Garlic Tidbit [footnote 1]
"Low-lit, gothic-style bar with 101 flavoured vodkas and cantina-style food, all with lots of garlic."
That describes a pub in London called Garlic & Shots. In addition to all those vodkas, there's garlic beer, smoked garlic sausage, and a "vampire steak" served – you guessed it – on a wooden stake.
And if London's not your style, they have a second location in Stockholm, Sweden, though its tagline is much more direct: "It's all about the garlic and shots." They even run a "Garlic Pirate Cruise".
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Festival Food Feature
In each of our editions between now and festival day, we will feature one of the festival's food vendors.
Do you know momo? At the festival, you will get to know Amazing Momo. Momos are Tibetan steamed dumplings that can be stuffed with meat or vegetables, and you can see Amazing Momo's amazing momo's HERE.
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Nominations for 2024 Words that Sound Naughty But Aren't List
Around this time of year, we take nominations for words and phrases that sound like they should mean something naughty but don't. Then we publish a list of the top 10 naughtiest sounding ones that aren't.
Here are the contenders so far:
Quotidian
Tidbits
Animal Husbandry
Crotchet [3]
Uvula
Etymological FOOTNOTES:
1) "Tidbits" comes to us from Old English via Middle English. In the late Middle Ages, the trade of the door-to-door salesman began to thrive in England. Early on, a practice developed in which these perambulating peddlers would seek out the village gossip, usually an elderly woman, to get information on potential customers.
These women realized that they had a valuable commodity – information – and formed the "Cearcae Gield" (Literally "Chatterers Guild").
They settled on a standard charge of "two bits", which was, at that time, two of the smallest value coins in whatever the local currency was.[2] This standardization suited the salesmen, and "getting two bits of gossip" became a common phrase. As the Anglo-Saxon Old English morphed into Middle English, and as regional accents passed the term back and forth, it became "getting tidbits".
As it passed into the modern era, it lost its monetary context and came to mean a small morsel, mostly of tasty food, but is often used euphemistically to mean a bit of information (see "trivia" and "factoid").
And it sounds naughty, especially in the current British spelling, "Titbit".
2) How this came to mean 25 cents in American English is a bit of a mystery.
3) You're probably thinking that we misspelled "crochet". The words are related, though a crotchet is "a highly individual and usually eccentric opinion or preference". Both crotchet and crochet appear to come from a french word that meant a hook or crook.
Example: His perennial crotchet is that he hates garlic and can't understand people who eat it.
And it sounds naughty. After all, in Elizabethan times, it was a slang term for a small codpiece. [4]
4) Of the etymologies above, one is accurate mostly, whereas the other is entirely fabricated.
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THE STINKY NEWS
The Emphatically Phatic Screed of Notabilia
about
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Two by Two Edition
Spring 2024
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Headlines:
New Two Entrances This Year
New Two Garlic Ice Creams
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Editor's Note: The Garlic Festival has acknowledged that they had problems with queues [Footnote 1] last year, and they have vowed to improve the situation. Now we have received two press releases from them addressing the issues.
New Two Entrances
The first queue problem happens before you even get to the festival. It seems everyone wants to arrive right at 10:01 a.m., and last year this resulted in a traffic jam, at least in Hutchinson terms. (In the Twin Cities, waiting behind 30 or 40 cars in line to get through an intersection is just called "traffic". In Hutch, it makes the front page.)
We received the following "Press Relief" from Festival Director, Jerry Ford, a man for whom the telencephalon is a vestigial organ, and who obviously wrote this one himself.
Press Relief title:
"Dude, we're fixing the traffic problem by adding another one."
Obviously, it made no sense, so we rang him up. Here's a transcript of the conversation:
Director Ford: "Garlic Festivals International. Talk to me."
Stinky News: "Director Ford, you said you're 'adding another one' to solve the traffic problem. What does that mean?"
Ford: "Yeah, like, dig it: I thought we already had another one, but now they say there will be another nother one."
S.N.: "Who says that?"
Ford: "Those dudes that hang around here."
S.N.: "Your staff?"
Ford: "Right. Them. They're adding another nother one."
S.N.: "Another one what?"
Ford: "Entrance thingey, you know, for cars."
S.N.: "So, you're adding a second entrance?"
Ford: "That's just it, baby. We already have one. I mean, a second one. Which is confusing, right? 'Second one'? Like, if it's a second one, it's not one anymore, know what I mean? It's two."
S.N.: "But you have only one public entrance."
Ford: "Word. But now we're going to have two but it's actually three because of the second other one. You know, like, the secret one."
S.N.: "Do you mean the VIP entrance where you can only get in if you have a pass? Like for the volunteers and musicians and chefs?"
Ford: "Right on, Bro, but, like, when I cruise up there in my Ford Pinto they make me turn around. They say I gotta have a flakin' VIP pass. Dude, I'm THE VIP."
S.N.: "Maybe they just don't want you there; but that aside, they're going to open up a second public entrance, right?"
Ford: "Yeah, a third of two entrances. Whatever. Like Meatloaf said, 'three out of two ain't bad."
So, yes, it turns out that the festival is going to have two public entrances this year, with completely different approach routes. This should take care of the traffic problems. Read more about it here:
https://www.mngarlicfest.com/faq-page
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Garlic Ice Cream Smackdown
The second instance in which the queues were entirely too long was for the garlic ice cream. The festival's solution: duelling ice cream vendors.
First let's meet the new challenger.
Hailing from St. Joseph, MN (which the locals call "St. Joe" or "Joetown") and weighing in at 10-degrees F, is Jupiter Moon Ice Cream[3]. Their one-two punch? A right jab of honey roasted garlic ice cream with a berry reduction swirl, followed by a left hook with Redhead Creamery cheese and garlic.
And they have an incredibly cute truck.
And in the other corner, in the white and chocolate trunks, is Minnesota Nice Cream from Northeast Minneapolis (which the locals call Ne Mpls, pronounced "nay mipples", not to be confused with "May Nipples" which is one of their featured flavors.) A five-time festival champion in the featherweight division, these folks feature soft serves that look like a Jackson Pollock painting crashed into a sweet shop and were driven to the ER in a clown car. With a staggering array of garlic themed toppings, they'll come out swinging.
And they have an incredibly cute truck.
So, will two ice cream trucks equal short queues? We'll let them go 15 rounds on August 10th to find out.
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Minnesota Garlic Festival
Saturday, August 10, 10 a.m. - 5 p.m.
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
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FOOTNOTES:
1) The British have this one right: "queue" is the appropriate term in this context, as opposed to "line" which is the closest distance between two points[2] and everyone knows that those queues at Garlic Fest put you didn't close to anything except other people in the queue.
2) This is the classic definition from basic geometry. However, in quantum mechanics, nothing could be further from the truth. Take for instance the time-worn "Schrodinger's Line" thought experiment, which holds that if you place a line, which by definition is infinite and has no mass, inside a box where no one can see it, then it is both a line and a queue simultaneously. Einstein called quantum mechanics the great dance of the universe, and it is through Schrodinger that we got the Boot Scootin' Boogie and Cotton-Eyed Joe, and this incredible version of the latter by Nina Simone.
3) Trivia question. Which of Jupiter's moons is Jupiter Moon Ice Cream's favorite:
- Europa
- Io
- Garlycmede
- Callisto
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THE STINKY NEWS
The ontic ontology of
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Winter Edition 2024
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HEADLINES:
Ticket Prices Remain Unchanged
Vendor Applications Coming Soon
The Doggerel Contest
Flag Contest Winner
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Ticket Prices Remain Unchanged
The State Fair ("The Great Minnesota Get Together") has once again mimicked the Garlic Festival ("The Great Minnesota Stink Together") by not doing something.
Both events aren't going to raise their ticket prices, but Garlic Fest didn't do it first. The State Fair voted to keep ticket prices flat for the 2024 event, prompting Fair CEO Renee Alexander to say, “We want to try and still be that affordable, valuable experience."
However, prior to that the Garlic Fest had already previously not taken action on raising ticket prices, prompting board president Sarah Lindblom to say, "We kinda forgot about that", and Festival Director Jerry Ford to add, "We charge?"
The results?
- The State Fair will cost you $18, your 8-year-old $16, and your 3-year-old that you didn't want to bring anyway gets in free. Parking is $20 unless you can fit them all on your motorcycle ($15)
- By contrast, Garlic Fest is $10, all your 12-and-under kids get in free, and so does your car.
And Garlic Fest tickets are on sale now!
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Vendor Applications Coming Soon
Garlic Festival Vendor Coordinator, Tarah Huston, who holds a Doctorate degree in Ataraxy, informs us that vendor applications will be available on the website starting February 10, 2024. "We're limiting the number of vendors to at least as many as last year and probably a bunch more," said Huston, "so get those applications in early."
The place to start is:https://www.mngarlicfest.com/vendors
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The Doggerel Contest
Festival fans will recall that The Stinky News has run several garlic-centric competitions in which competitors can competitively compete for fabulous prizes. Some of them have been poetry contests. There was the Limerick Grand Prix, the Haiku Smackdown, and the Homeric Heroic Epic Contest. [Footnote 1]
Next up: doggerels.
Rules:
Your doggerel poem must be about garlic. It may follow any particular poetic form or none at all, and doesn't have to be any good or make any sense. Extra points if the poem is set to atonal music. And not too long, please.
Here is an example from our staff poet at Stinky News World Headquarters, N. Jambment. To hear her version of the poem set to atonal music, click HERE.
There once was a garlic-eating dog named Doggerel
who flatulated like a fogger. Well,
he went to the Garlic Fest,
found that he smelled the best,
and so ends this rhyme that doesn't rhyme so well.
So, drop a doggerel on us. Winners to be announced sometime.
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Festival Flag Contest Winner
A winner has been chosen in the competition to design a new flag for Minnesota! And even better, someone won the contest to create a new Garlic Festival flag.
Everyone is familiar with the original Garlic Festival Flag. (If you don't see the image, click HERE.)
However, there has been an ongoing obstreperous outcry against it. These outcryers cry out that the flag shames people who have garlic-shaped heads and no noses. Point taken.
So, we have chosen a winning entry from our one finalist, and this flag shouldn't offend anyone. (If it doesn't show up, see it HERE.)
The designer is Nathan Kirkman, Age 11, and is titled "Flag of Many Wonders." Brilliant! Except that it also shows a proboscisless garlic head. And it's crosseyed. Whatever. We're going with it.
Nathan wins free admission to the festival as long as he signs up as a volunteer.
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MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 10, 2025
840 Century Ave. SW, Hutchinson, MN 55350
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FOOTNOTES:
1) The titles of the winning entries in these contests were:
- Limerick: "A Garlic from Nantucket"
- Haiku: "Untitled"[2]
- Homeric Heroic Epic: "The Garliciad".
2) Actually, all of the haikus were titled "Untitled", which made the judging difficult: "In 1st place we have 'Untitled'. 2nd place honors go to 'Untitled' . . ." [3]
3) And they were all written by "Anonymous", except for one composed by Anne Ominous. So we gave the prize to her.
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THE STINKY NEWS
A phrontistery for festive phonations about
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Post Fest Post, September 2023
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Headlines:
GET MORE GARLIC HERE
GET MORE RECIPES HERE
HOW MANY PEOPLE?
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GET MORE GARLIC HERE
Have you already eaten all that garlic you bought at the festival last month? You know, those bulbs you bought as seed to plant in October, but they just looked so good you had to make some pesto, and then a batch of aioli, and before long you were chomping them down like an HFCS'd-up tween at a pizza party, and now there's nothing left to plant, let alone satisfy your allium-induced cravings? Or did you simply miss the festival altogether?
You're in luck!
The Upper Midwest Premium Garlic Directory has over 30 growers offering over 70 varieties of garlic. Whether you're jonesing for some perky Porcelain, gastronomical German or chthonic Carpathian, or you can't wait to gorge on Georgian, eat Estonian, munch Music, ingest Inchelium, chew on Chesnok, masticate Metechi, binge on Bogatyr, sup on Siberian, lick some Lorz or dine on Deerfield, this directory has it all. Plus purveyors of garlic powder and other pungent products.
Find it all here:
https://sfa-mn.org/garlic-directory
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GET MORE RECIPES HERE
Minnesota Cooks served up a sumptuous Chef Stage at the festival last month, and you can now download all the recipes HERE.
And here's a really cool spot that Chef Stage Chef Nettie Colόn did on WCCO TV:
https://www.cbsnews.com/minnesota/video/watch-chef-demonstrations-at-hutchinsons-garlic-festival/
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HOW MANY PEOPLE?
Every year about this time, we start asking the Garlic Festival Board probing questions, like what do they do with the massive profits, why haven't you fired your director, and how come no one is selling garlic scented personal lubricants at the festival?
This year we started our persistent probing with, "What was the attendance?" They put us in touch with Festival Director, Jerry Ford, which is, regrettably, what they always do when they don't have a good answer. [1]
Here is a transcript of that interview.
Stinky News: Director Ford, can you tell us how many people were at the MN Garlic Festival this year?
Director Ford: It's only a one day thing, dude.
SN: Yes, we know.
Ford: You said this year.
SN: OK, what was the attendance that day?
Ford: What day?
SN: The day of the festival.
Ford: Like, this year?
SN: Yes, this year.
Ford: It's only one day . . .
SN: STOP THAT! Just tell us the attendance.
Ford: Whoa, touchy. Fine. Yeah, no, well, there were a lot of people there. Gnome sane.
SN: Yes, but how many?
Ford: It's, like, hard to count them when they keep moving around like that. If this was just a puny little shindig, like that Twine Ball Daze thingy, you could probably do it.
SN: Don't you count the number of tickets sold at the admissions gate?
Ford: Dude! That's a great idea! Wait, yeah, no, won't work, gnome sane.
SN: Why not?
Ford: Dig it: there's all those kids that get in free that don't, gnome sane, have tickets. And what about all those people that sneak in early?
SN: What people?
Ford: Oh, baby, there are hundreds of them! They're, like, selling food and garlic and stuff. And all those people wearing red t-shirts with "staff" on the back. How'd they get in? Gnome sane.
SN: That's your vendors and volunteers. And why do you keep saying gnome sane?
Ford: All the cool cats say it.
SN: You mean "You know what I'm saying?"
Ford: Yeah, I know what you're saying. You want to know, like, how many people were at the festival.
SN: So how many were there?
Ford: Not a clue, gnome sane?
Then we gave up and asked Festival Manager, Sarah Knoss, who quickly replied, "About the same as last year, maybe a few more."
We'll try to get a figure by our next edition.
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MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 10, 2024 probably
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Footnotes:
1) We just stuck that in there because every time we've done an issue without footnotes we get no more than a dozen complaints that there weren't any footnotes.
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THE STINKY NEWS
Post Lughnasa Lunacy about
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
August 2023
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HEADLINES
Festival Director Coherent Again
Who Needs Drones?
A Few Other Things
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FESTIVAL DIRECTOR COHERENT AGAIN on NETWORK TELEVISION
Well, it's happened again, and we're beginning to take it personally. Festival Director, Jerry Ford, was once again erudite and completely comprehensible in an interview with someone other than us. When we talk with him, he's unerudite, incomprehensible, and just plain dumb.
In this latest incident, Director Ford was on KSTP Channels 5 and 45, the ABC affiliate in the Twin Cities, last Thursday morning, and not only did he use complete sentences, but he even made the show's hosts laugh, and not in derision.
And KSTP didn't even need to use the "suck filter" that the Hutchinson cable channel employed so effectively last year.
See the KSTP interview here:
https://kstp.com/special-coverage/minnesota-live/minnesota-garlic-festival-in-hutchinson/
But he did make one fabulously fatuous faux pas, so we gleefully took him to task over it.
Stinky News: Congratulations, Mr. Director, on a successful interview on KSTP.
Ford: Is this, you know, a trick question?
SN: No, it was a congratulatory statement.
Ford: Dude, I didn't do it.
SN: Yes, you did, and you said that New Ulm was a village of idiots.
Ford: Wha?! Um, no, yeah, whoa, not what I meant. Like, you know, the Narren, they're, like, an old German tradition thingy where they make these gnarly masks and pretend to be a whole town of fools. That's what "narren" means in Deutsch, dude: Fools.
SN: Go back and look at the interview. You clearly said . . .
Ford: No can do, dude. I never look at my interviews. I'm way too, like, erudite and comprehensible. It's embarrassing, bro.
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WHO NEEDS DRONES?
Our irregular readers might recall that Kite Making and Flying is a popular festival feature, and the festival has a new Kites Director: Josh Borrell. Josh is a retired army Major who was a Civil Affairs Officer, and is now a vegetable farmer in Waverly [Footnote 1].
Our staff Conspiracy Theorist and Anti-meliorist, Tim Foilhat, believes otherwise. "The veggie growing thing is just a front. As anyone in the know knows, no one who says they were in "Civil Affairs" was civil or had time for affairs – they were actually Military Intelligence," says Foilhat, "I believe he's going to instal cameras on the kites and surveil the Hutchinson airport, which is just next door to the fairgrounds."
When we asked Mr. Foilhat why Josh would want to do that, he whispered, "Because. He. Can."
Mr. Foilhat no longer works at Stinky News Central Command.
On a side note, the festival offers the kite making/flying feature for free, even though we've discovered it costs them $7.00 per kit. So when you see those donation jars, pony up, or Josh might surveil you.
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10 OTHER THINGS to DO at GARLIC FESTIVAL
1) Volunteer! Get in free, VIP parking, a t-shirt, and free food. If the Sign Up Form is intimidating (none of our staff could get through it without saying "Dang, I'll just email Olivia") then just email Olivia and tell her to give you an assignment.
2) Enter the Garlic Growing Contest. There's even a "Garlic Makeover" category where you can let your stinking artistic talents shine.
3) Eat.
4) Buy Garlic.
5) Act like a kid.
6) Watch Chef Demos. Hint: samples!
7) Meet your farmer.
8) Parade in the Peculiar Pragmatic Promenade.
9) One of the best kept secrets [footnote 2] is the Opening Ceremony "Throwing Out the First Bulb"
10) Eat some more, and have a beverage.
10.1) Be entertained.
10.2) Go home smelling completely different.
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MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 12, 10:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m.
840 Century Ave. SW, Hutchinson, MN 55350
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FOOTNOTES
1) This much is true. Major Borrell and his family were most recently stationed in Germany. The only other part of this article that even remotely resembles veracity is the bit about donations to cover the cost of the kite materials.
2) It's also a not-so-well-kept secret that some folks try to get in early and sneak into the Garlic Building to get a jump on their bulb buying binge. Festival Security informs us, "The Opening Ceremony will be relocated so that it blocks the entrance to the Garlic Building, and the Featured Growers have been instructed that they must attend said ceremony and eschew garlic sales until said ceremony is complete. So, gatecrashers be warned: nanny, nanny, boo-boo!"
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THE STINKY NEWS
the etesianesque disseration edition on
THE FOOD
at
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Editor's Note:
In this year's Food Issue we not only deal with the issue of all the fantastic food at the festival, but also the issues that arose last year around the issue of food, namely the long lines and the fact that there wasn't a lot of food.
On the latter issue, we had planned to interview the Festival Director, but we got as far as him exclaiming, "Dude, what was up with all the freakin' people!" and launching into a litany of unintelligible excuses. We'll spare you his sputtering spiel and simply tell you how they're going to fix it.
More food. They're going to have lots more food.
And it's going to be really good. A preview follows.
- Beauregard T. Ponce de Leon III, Editor-in-Chief
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FESTIVAL FOOD PREVIEW
A compendium of ingestible comestibles
by Aiyla Eadit, Stinky News Food Critic and Staff Funambulist
Our regular reader won't recall that last year we compiled a comparison between State Fair food, Garlic Festival food, and Twine Ball Daze grub. We're not doing that this go-around because we're not at all sure Darwin's Moldy Ball Day is happening this year [Footnote 1], though there is evidence that it's moving to Highland, Wisconsin.
And we've got plenty to talk about with just Garlic Fest's fabulous fare.
Speaking of garlic, Elbows Allowed will present their prodigious pasties with roasted garlic topping, while Mobile Feast's garlicky gyros feature a tzatziki sauce that's good enough to drink on its own.
Speaking of drinking garlic, Crow River Winery is back with their garlic bloody marys, and – new this year – you can buy bottles of their gourmet garlic cooking wine to take home.
Speaking of beverages, Dan & Becky's Market is expanding their repertoire! You know them for their tasty teetotal beverages and capacious coffee drinks, and now they are adding a choice of chicken – jerk or black garlic – from birds that were sustainably raised just down the road.
Speaking of down the road, Minnesota Nice Cream will trundle their cute little ice cream truck out to the festival once again, filled with candied garlic toppings.
Speaking of creamy, Pretty Great Cheesecake (yes, they have a garlic cheesecake) is doubling down on their pretty greatness with Pretty Great Cake Shakes: milkshakes and soft serve.
Not having spoken of kettle corn, Aunt Wendy's is back with a garlic-flavored version, and Frill Atelier is pulling out all the stops with organic candy floss[2].
Speaking of artistic ateliers, Junebug Carolina Eats is making a marvelous menu that sounds like poetry:
po mi sammie
chili aioli
pimento dip
While Sunny Days Comfort Food is all in on alliums, including a garlic apple grilled cheese.
Speaking of grilled cheese, F-5 BBQ smokes theirs, as well as their burgers and who knows what else they're smoking.
Speaking of turbid tasties, dangerMOON makes mouth-watering Mondu Korean street food using their own Mangalitsa pigs.
Speaking of a walk in the woods, there's Gentleman Forager, with a menu so varied and unusual that we recommend you read it in advance, take notes and bring a field guide.
----------- More about the Food -----------
And that's just the prepared food you can eat on site. Then there's the stuff you can take home with you - almost all of it from local makers.
We've asked our staff beat poet, Allen Garlicsberg, to compose a stream-of-consciousness ode about it (hear Allen muddle his way through the poem HERE):
Maple syrups past pickles and pesto
in a sour sour sauerkraut saxophone
song of hazelnuts as oil as flour as nuts
joined by jams, gellies, glazes, curds and
doesn't-sound-like it's-spelled meringues.
Rubs, baby, rubs.
Saucy sauces wail BBQ, salsa, habanero hot and garlic, groovy garlic.
Mixing it up chili mix
salsa mix
beer bread mix
spice mix
and seasoning.
Seasoning bread dips like a
tapenade
tapenade
tapenading with a
muffaletta, scat-sing it out loud:
muff - a - let - a.
Crazy kombucha and kimchi
jamming with jaunty meat jerky.
Rubs, baby. rubs with balsamic vinegars, bread dipping.
Say cheese, farmstead cheese.
Sunflower oil, honey, sunflower oil
Raucous rhythm of
pop
pop pop
popopopop
corn.
Dark dissonant melody of woodfire coffee beans.
Black garlic,
the dark of garlic blackened like darkest chocolate.
A coda of condiments
fully realized relishes
Mar ma lade.
Rubs, baby, rubs.
The sinuous symphonic stink of savory garlic.
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MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 12, 2023
mngarlicfest.com
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FOOTNOTES:
1) Litchfield Visitor's Bureau has a rather minimalist posting, though the artwork is kind of nifty. Explore Minnesota has a description, which ends with "The dates for this event have passed. No future dates are available at this time."
2) Brittish for cotton candy. Like gobsmacked = surprised; knackered = tired; chuffed = excited; and Robert is your mother's brother = you've got it made.
**************************************************
THE STINKY NEWS
Reporting on the Most Festal of all the Estival Festivals
The MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
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HEADLINES:
Festival Announces the Featured Garlic Growers
Volunteers Needed
Parking Problems Solved
Stinky News is Going Away
Other Festivals with Bulbs & Balls, Part 2
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FESTIVAL ANNOUNCES FEATURED GARLIC GROWERS
Each year the festival selects 15 garlic growers who will bring the very best of their 2023 crop to sell in the MN Grown Garlic Building. Except for this year. Now there will be 16 featured growers.
See the list HERE.
So, on August 12th, there will be the same 15 garlic growers in the MN Grown Garlic Building who were there last year, but the new 16th grower will not. They'll be outside the building.
The new featured grower is SwanBee Honey. They've been a honey vendor at the festival since the mid-60's, and now they've ramped up their garlic production to the point where they can sell that as well.
But why aren't they in the building with the others?
When asked, SwanBee owner, John Swanson, says, "Well, you know, we've always had our tent right across from the entrance to the garlic building," as he looks at the ground and shuffles his feet, "So that's where folks expect to find us."
But when we asked the other growers, we got a different story. "It's all that sweet honey he makes," says Plum Creek Garlic's Chris Kudrna, "He doesn't stink as much as the rest of us. We have standards to uphold."
So, when you want to buy garlic from all the vendors, be aware that one of them is outside the building, ostracized for smelling too sweet.
-----------------------
VOLUNTEERS NEEDED
The festival's Volunteer Coordinator, Olivia Olson, has asked us to report that they are still looking for volunteers, especially for the morning shifts working with the Garlic Buds Kids Tent. Learn more and sign up HERE.
We here at the Stinky News Institute for Volunteer Education and Learning (SNIVEL) have a recommendation for Ms. Olson, which we could send to her directly, but it's more fun to print it here where we'll have to apologize for it later.
The problem is that the tickets are too cheap. Jack up the admission price to, say, $87.43, and that free admission perk for volunteers will look pretty attractive. Then you could take away all the other perks – t-shirt, free food, VIP parking – and people would still jump at it just to get in the door for free.
Full disclosure: Stinky News staffers get in free with a press pass, but they don't give us t-shirts because they don't want people thinking we work for the festival, and they know better than to give us all-you-can-eat free food.
-----------------------
PARKING PROBLEMS SOLVED
The Stinky News interviewed Festival Director, Jerry Ford, about last year's parking problems.
Spoiler Alert: They ARE fixing it with parking attendants and more spaces. It just took so long in the interview to get that out of the director that we thought we'd go ahead and say it up front.
Stinky News: "You can't deny that the parking situation at the 2022 festival was not your finest moment."
Director Ford: "I can't?"
S.N.: "It was an unmitigated disaster, a car lot catastrophe, a veritable clusterpark."
Ford: "Oh, yeah, that. Dude, we were, like, hoping people would think it was an amusement ride, you know, like all those roundabouts the 612-ers have to go through to get here."
S.N.: "Well, they didn't think of it that way. Now, how are you going to fix it?"
Ford: "Dig it! I'm about to announce that on the social media thingy. I'm an unfluencer, you know."
S.N.: "I'm sure you are. What social media outlets are you using?"
Ford: "There's more than one?"
S.N.: "OK, let's pretend you're actually using even one. Which one?"
Ford: "YouSpace."
S.N.: "MySpace?"
Ford: "Nah, bro, I got my own space on YouSpace, I don't need your space on YouSpace."
S.N.: "Let's put that aside before it gets any stupider. Just tell me what you are going to announce on (ahem) YouSpace."
Ford: "Right on. Scouts, man. There's this scout troop, #399 up in the Howard Lake area, that, like, parking is their thing. Dude, these kids get merit badges in Valet Services and Ground Traffic Control. So, even though they won't valet park your wheels for you – well, OK, there's this one rad 15 year old who might if you let 'em and no one is looking – but they will direct you to your spot like a pro."
S.N.: "That sounds like a good solution."
Ford: "Whoa, and we also invented another parking lot at the fairgrounds that we're calling – dig this – The New Lot."
(We were going to put one of those "Read the entire interview" links here, but why would you want to?)
So, they fixed the parking problem.
Tip: if you really want to avoid the patron parking lot . . . Volunteer! (see above)
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STINKY NEWS IS GOING AWAY
A wise person once said that all good things come to an end. And sometimes, a few of the bad ones.
In this case, it's the archive of Stinky Newses going back to the mid-60's. Don't worry, new Stinky Newses will still be published semi-occasionally. It's just that the old ones from before 2023 are going to go gently into that good night of digital oblivion.
Why? The parent organization of this whole shebang went and got themselves a new website, and they're so smitten with it that they're just going to let the old website fade away. Well, that's the old Stinky Newses's home.
The worst part of this whole deal is that our staff writers are used to being able to link to old editions when they are too lazy to write new stuff, and there won't be old editions to link to.
Therefore, if you want to binge-read those ancient issues, here's where you can go for a while longer and look in the sidebar: https://archive.sfa-mn.org/garlicfest/
See? it even says "archive" in the web address.
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OTHER FESTIVALS WITH BALLS, PART 2
We've reported in these pages about festivals that feature bulbs or balls – including Testicle Festivals [Footnote 1], Gonad Galas, The Big Mouldy Ball of Darwin Bash, and even a Balls Ball – and we've rounded up another one.
Running of the Meatballs, Scandia MN
It's like the Running of the Bulls, but the bull has been slaughtered and ground up. It's a "FUNdraiser" for Scandia's Gammelgården Museum, which celebrates the lesser known operas in Richard Wagner's Swedish-language "The Ring of the Gammelgården" trilogy: Das Lutefisk, Siegfried's Bar, and Götterdämmit.
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MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 12, 2023
840 Century Ave. SW, Hutchinson, MN 55350
www.mngarlicfest.com
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FOOTNOTES
1) Yes, there's more than one. Two, actually.
Summe